Many of us grew up in an age of corporal punishment and talk with a smile about the punishment meted out by our parents, coaches and for some, our teachers. Our aging generation did not distinguish between reprimands to address behavioral issues, instilling manners into the children, and vicious punishment at the hands of abusers. It was all part of keeping the family together, making us team players and even to make us tough so we could “get by” in the real world.
In this day and age we know so much more. We know the difference between grounding a child who comes home late and striking that child. We know that children of abusers more often than not become abusers themselves. This is the cycle that escalates violent behavior. So we must open our eyes to the horrors of domestic violence and change the conversation away from nostalgic references to the halcyon days of Parochial school punishment to the current horrors of abuse. Yet it remains almost impossible to create change on a subject that nobody wishes to talk about.
The embarrassment of being a victim keeps too many people locked in the cycle of abuse and all too rarely do we as family or neighbors get involved in somebody’s personal life - that would be meddling.
The dialogue is now open. We must get involved and we must work to break the cycle of abuse through developmental education and the implementation of innovative programs – to broaden horizons and expand opportunities for victims of abuse across socioeconomic and multicultural lines. We must also educate our family and friends to stop whispering about abuse and to cry out about the injustice of it. Although a great deal of money is raised each year to support domestic violence service organizations, the greatest hurdle is in mobilizing the forces required to effect the social and political mores that keep the issues of abuse and domestic violence relegated to back room conversations - that keep so many in denial about the statistics while others just feel helpless.
One of the great myths is that abuse is a problem of inner cities and poorer neighborhoods. To often I hear the phrase “but it doesn’t happen here” and yet here we are staring into the eyes of a stark reality as our local newspaper highlights the horror stories from our own neighborhoods. Violence does not respect socioeconomic lines but it thrives on the anonymity of the perpetrators and the victims. Without a face or a name, abusers continue to hurt. Without a face or a name there is still a sense of disbelief, which we must abandon.
To those who would ask if there aren’t enough programs available to help those in need I would say that there clearly are not. While the admirable efforts of Fairfield County organizations like the Domestic Violence Crisis Center and Kids In Crisis provide beacons of hope for so many they cannot handle the volume, which is increasing. And for those few under funded state programs that have survived budget cuts, availability and access to those resources is limited. There is also a large qualification chasm between the Connecticut Department of Children and Families services and many of those seeking help – so many victims continue to fall through the cracks.
We must dedicate more resources to solving the issues of abuse. The financial equation is easy. It costs so much more to maintain welfare programs and shelters that provide immediate relief from the problems but do not do anything to relieve the need for the services - to stem the abuse that affects so many around us. Abuse and domestic violence, not only shatter lives, but also drain our communities of valuable resources. There is an increasing need for resources that promote values and creativity for victims of abuse by focusing on self-esteem, empowerment and leadership skills. Programs that provide education and facilitate personal growth allowing people to take control of their future and compelling them to make a difference in the lives of others. Programs to raise awareness of the issues and what can be done to eradicate abuse from our lives.
We can each look to ourselves to see if the moral equation adds up. Can we can stand by and let the cycle continue. The statistics are staggering. According to the Department of Children and Families over 10,000 children in Connecticut were victims of abuse in 2002. The Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence provided services to over 40,000 victims in the last twelve months and that is just one of many organizations servicing victim’s needs. FBI statistics show that a woman is battered every 15 seconds in the United States and that it is likely to be by somebody well known or intimate with her. And in our local papers we see the disturbing increase in reports of Domestic Violence.
Two years ago we entered a new era of compassion and caring for our families and friends, and for many people we never knew. This time of greater caring has brought us in touch with the full value of life, and given us a greater respect for others. While the White House and the media have focused our attention on global terrorism the statistics belie a social terrorism being allowed to go unfettered in our neighborhoods. We need to raise our collective voices to stem the rising tide of abuse.
In raising our voices the most overlooked chorus in ending domestic violence is the men. Men need to speak out openly and show that they care. Women’s voices have been loud and clear but now it is time for men to join the charge and to take a critical stand by telling spouses, sons, daughters, family and friends that abuse is intolerable, that it puts an undue burden on our communities and it is morally reprehensible. Caring is contagious. It has an amazing exponential impact that reaches many, many people in need. Continue to care and we can break the cycle of abuse. We cannot afford to stand idly by. It is our business to be proactively involved in an issue that destroys the fabric of our lives and of those around us. For those who wish to help or those who require help there are many places to seek guidance including religious organizations, the DVCC and the Department of Human Services. Start someplace - but start to make the change.
Robert Doran, a New Canaan resident, is the President of the Michael Bolton Charities for Children and Women at Risk - http://www.michaelboltoncharities.com/.
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FIRST PUBLISHED IN THE NEW CANAAN ADVERTISER OP-ED SECTION
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2003
